El-hajj Malik El-Shabazz

“We were truly all the same (brothers)—because their belief in one God had removed the ‘white’ from their minds, the ‘white’ from their behavior, and the ‘white’ from their attitude. I could see from this, that perhaps if white Americans could accept the Oneness of God, then perhaps, too, they could accept in reality the Oneness of Man – and cease to measure, and hinder, and harm others in terms of their ‘differences’ in color.” – The Autobiography of Malcolm X As Told to Alex Haley

Audubon Ballroom

Most recently, I had the great honor of paying a visit to the Shabazz Center where the great feelings of Malcolm X that brotherhood is possible among all races after returning from Mecca is represented on its walls. There are displays from different parts of his life and Dr. Betty Shabazz. It is steeped in culture. The Shabazz Center has recently re-opened for tours Tuesday – Friday, 11-5, after a long battle to restore the building.

A list of the favorite books of Malcolm X

I had the opportunity of speaking with Gaye who with great emotion shared the history of the building and the Shabazz lives leading up to the moment in the Audubon Ballroom.

I had the honor of presenting her with a couple of my Zines as inspired by Malcolm X, and to my great surprise, she took a look at them and said they would reach the hands of his daughter Dr. Shabazz.

The cover of my zine “Writing in the Cafe”

Ascending the steps to Audubon Ballroom where Malcolm X became a martyr is a heavy feeling. The weight of that pivotal moment in history lingers there, but as the mural on that wall claims, it is not the end. We shall “Prevail.”

I am so glad I made this trip to New York to visit my friends. It was a time of healing. It was a time of brotherhood. It was a time of great feeling.

my friend Dell and I selecting the ‘little girl’ as our champion between the girl and the bull statue on Wallstreet

my friend Loki looking so serious the day of his promotion

books both Loki and I have decided to read

Is it the Divine he wanted to wipe out?

Is it this body that they hate? I’ve started asking myself this question looking in the mirror every morning ever since I was assaulted.

It is a man’s body, yet unassuming. It is queer. It is white and not poor. It is full of debts- to society, to their education, to the community, to the divine that lives in each and every one of us.

Is it the divine he wanted to wipe out?

I read something once by g. Spivak about “acts of terror” and how in wiping out others you are essentially wiping out yourself and bringing them to paradise, and I wonder if he saw it that way, or if I was simply something other to be terrorized.

This was no Fight Club, though he was destroying something beautiful. bell hooks talks about the ways in which men are fragmented and construct multiple identities for themselves to move and operate in the world. In this, perhaps emboldened by the new administration, he constructed an identity in which it was “okay” for him as a member of civil society to give unwanted touches and harass a person working remotely in the establishment where he was employed and, when confronted with the possible consequences, committed a criminal action against the body of the person.

I told him I would speak with his boss as a customer to check his behavior toward me so there would be no repeat actions. In a fit of blind rage, he yanked me up by my jacket, dragged me out the store, shoved me, and chest and throat punched me, and would not have stopped hitting me had I not threatened to sue. He attempted to trespass me, but it was him who was in the wrong, and he knew it. While I was in the parking lot emailing the owner, I overheard him saying on the phone, “I was scared,” and he had every right to be. Harassing a customer is at best a write up, but he should have just taken ownership for his actions and apologized.

Trans lives matter. Queer lives matter. We will not be physically bullied out of the public sphere.

Sometimes I feel like a Fraud

My birthday has come and past with such sweetness. My mother called me by my name for the very first time, and my friend Colorful helped me understand why it is so very significant that people call me by my government name—because it is something for which I have fought very hard. I have gone to court for this name. It was part of my sex change. I had to prove I was not defrauding the system.

Gene and their friends celebrating their birthday at Lush

Sometimes I feel like I am a fraud because I do not believe that documents or hormones or genitals or chromosomes make me or anyone else their sex. A lot of it feels like arbitrary classifications to create hierarchies. I am a man regardless of these things, yet I am playing by their rules.

December 1st ushered in a new season for me in art and business. I was selected as a vendor for the Queer Market put on by Queer Voices at Open Book in Minneapolis, and the Boiler Room in the Stevens Square Neighborhood is currently showing my Graffiti Art Series through December. I also created a TikTok @with_a_gg_, if TikTok does not end up being banned altogether.

G. Gazelka presents The Graffiti Art Series

The Queer Market was a wonderful affair with queers from across the Twin Cities selling their wares. I ended up leaving with a piece that I had been eyeing since People’s Pride and a couple new friends. What I did not sell at the market can be found on my Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/typewritestoryteller

A Queer Market

when we say tomorrow we really mean today

On this Trans Day of Remembrance, I am pulling the title for this blog entry from the final line of the Andrea Jenkins’ poem, “Bag Lady Manifesto (#sayhername/blacktranslivesmatter).” For those of you who don’t know, Andrea Jenkins is the first African American openly trans woman to be elected to office in the United States. She is a member of the Minneapolis City Council. The complete line of the poem goes: “Tell them to strategize about that tomorrow, but when we say tomorrow we really mean today.” It is delivered after in epitaph to many black trans lives lost to violence and the breath, tears, and laughter those who survive that terrorism experience in the moments after. It is a call to action.

A display of local authors, including Gene, at Eat My Words in Minneapolis

I read this poem in class today, providing context for the trans men mentioned with #sayhername in the lack of constitutional rights and legal recognition we all have. I read this poem and emphasized how much greater the marginalization, oppression, and violence toward Black trans women is as black, as trans, as woman. I read this poem and gave remembrance to the dead and remembered what work we have to do and what battle lays before us.

Early in 2024, the Minnesota House of Representatives passed the Equal Rights Amendment with the hopes of getting it to voters by 2026. It must pass the MN Senate first. Here is the 2024 Proposed ERA Language for SF37:

All persons shall be guaranteed equal rights under the laws of this state. The state shall not discriminate against any person in intent or effect on account of race, color, national origin, ancestry, disability, or sex, including but not limited to pregnancy, pregnancy outcomes and reproductive freedom, gender identity, gender expression, or sexual orientation.

This expansive language ensures the freedoms and liberties of those previously ignored by the state. It is especially important in a time when our nation is staged to act against the interests of these people groups. Now is the time to talk to your legislators. Now is also the time to talk to your friends, family members, neighbors, and colleagues. We must find a way to explain why this matters. It can’t just be Minneapolis, Saint Paul, and Duluth that votes in the interests of minorities.

Eugene celebrating his 36th birthday a little early with his parents

Tomorrow is my birthday, and Friday is my 2-year anniversary for being on testosterone. I experienced a lot of pushback for physically and legally transitioning. My mom emailed me a voice recording explaining why she chose my former name and stating that she would never call me anything other. My brother group messaged a video of himself attacking transgender people, specifically those who physically transition, to my family. Friends and family refused to refer to me by any name on my social media and shared things on their social medias attacking transgender people. Businesses kept emailing and messaging my deadname, though I had changed it legally in their system. Colleagues did not stop misgendering me until I went through with chest reconstruction; some still do. Each time it has been my sanity that has been questioned instead of these incidences of harassment, as if mental health were a reason somebody would report upon oppression.

It is the quiet violence that haunts us all, that lets us know we are not safe.

Gene, JIIVE, ChapGPT, and Project 2025

I’m sitting with my friend Moe, founder of JIIVE, and we are running through the despicable list of sex predators—Bill Cosby, R. Kelly, P. Diddy, President elect Trump—and get to talking about why the American public did not hold Trump to the same standard as these others: racism. These other men were groomed to feel like they belonged to a certain class of society that Trump was born into and felt entitled to its privileges and got punished for it. It is a certain class of society that should not exist.

Our conversation turns to our hopes and fears. He is hoping that with a convicted felon in the highest position of authority in the land that more people will be willing to reconsider how they approach justice impacted individuals. Just this last year Minnesota granted voting rights to people with felonies, and while this certainly is a step in the right direction, there are still barriers to opportunity. These barriers start with the justice and carceral systems. For example, before Moe transitioned to speaking with me, he was on the line discussing the level of food instability in prisons and how much land there is that could be put toward gardening and sustaining a community and the obstacles to this.

Laughing a little because the guys at my cigar lounge promised to hide me out in the basement if this ever became a reality and give me as much pipe tobacco and cigars as I want, I mention the very real threat that if they implement Project 2025, I could end up incarcerated as a transexual and author of what they might deem pornography, although it is not explicit—it simply deals with transition. Moe does not think this anecdote about the basement is very funny as he believes it is a sign that they are not willing to fight to see that we do not allow our country to get to that point. He insists I dig into Project 2025 and find where this language was written, so we can warn the American public about what is coming in January. His plan is to run it through AI and create viral TikTok videos.  

I am writing this the day after meeting with him, and he is meeting with Rep. Ilhan Omar today. He has yet to have the chance to run the AI, so I thought I would try my hand at it—one of my first times using AI. At first, I asked ChapGPT for a summary of Project 2025, and it was very vague and had a touch of duplicity in language compared to the sections I read in-depth the night before to Moe. For example, the summary suggests that at the hands of a conservative think tank we will be “restoring constitutional governance, reducing the size of government, and ensuring that the judiciary aligns with conservative principles”; however, in reading closer, there will be more government tracking of our data and more government influence on states and individuals. Additionally, when it discusses restoring constitutional governance, it talks about retracting amendments as related to Civil Rights legislation; whereby, ignoring the legal system implemented in our country for a version of their own choosing.

Being that ChapGPT was extremely limited in the answers it could give me, I started to tweak my prompts for it based on what I had gleaned from various sections of the text. Here is some of what it responded below:

·       The project takes issue with federal enforcement of "equity" initiatives that, in their view, lead to discriminatory practices or reverse discrimination. This includes initiatives that focus on racial quotas, diversity mandates, or other policies that they argue disproportionately prioritize race or identity over merit or individual rights.

·       Advocating for a more limited role of Title VI enforcement, … the focus is on preventing what they see as overreach in areas like race-based discipline policies or gender-based protections that could conflict with traditional values and legal principles.

·       The project suggests limiting federal funding for abortion services, potentially cutting funding to Planned Parenthood and other organizations that provide abortions or related services. This includes restricting taxpayer dollars from supporting abortion procedures through programs like Medicaid.

·       While Project 2025 does not explicitly use the term "personhood," the project aligns with pro-life legal arguments that consider the fetus as a person deserving of protection under the law. This includes efforts to pass laws or promote constitutional amendments that grant legal rights to fetuses, ensuring that they cannot be killed through abortion.

·       It would likely advocate for reorienting programs that fund family planning, reproductive health services, or sexual education to align with pro-life principles.

·       While it does not directly target fertility calendars or tracking, the project supports policies that promote alternatives to abortion, such as encouraging natural family planning methods and supporting pro-life pregnancy care centers…This could mean supporting educational initiatives or resources that promote tracking a woman's fertility cycle as a way to plan or prevent pregnancies without the use of hormonal birth control or abortion … Its opposition to certain types of birth control coverage could suggest a preference for fertility awareness methods as alternatives to hormonal contraceptives.

·       The project supports policies that uphold traditional views of gender, emphasizing biological sex as the basis for sex-specific policies in areas such as healthcare, sports, and social services … advocating for a more cautious approach to gender dysphoria and emphasizing psychological counseling … aims to reinforce the idea that legal distinctions should be made based on biological sex rather than gender identity. This could involve efforts to limit the scope of policies like the **Equal Protection Clause** of the 14th Amendment or other laws that extend protections to transgender individuals in public accommodations, healthcare, and education.

·       Its key goals are to ensure that faith-based organizations and healthcare providers are not forced to perform or facilitate services that conflict with their religious beliefs, such as providing gender-affirming care or recognizing same-sex marriages. This includes issues like ensuring insurance coverage for gender-affirming surgeries or treatments and requiring healthcare providers to use preferred pronouns or recognize gender identities. The project would likely support rolling back such regulations within HHS and other federal agencies. This includes supporting policies that oppose the recognition of same-sex marriages in certain contexts or limiting adoption rights for LGBT couples.

·       DEI programs, which are designed to promote inclusion of diverse groups in workplaces, education, and government institutions, are seen by many conservatives as ideological and as promoting left-wing social agendas. Project 2025 is highly critical of such programs, especially in government and federal agencies, which would likely include Health and Human Services. Project 2025 advocates for limiting or eliminating DEI mandates in government agencies, believing they are divisive and counterproductive. The project seeks to replace such programs with … Conversion Therapy … The conservative movement, of which it is a part, has generally been sympathetic to supporting ‘therapy’ aimed at changing sexual orientation or gender identity.

·       It advocates for a ‘return to traditional values’ concerning gender and sexuality and would likely support policies that encourage conversion therapy for individuals who express gender dysphoria or same-sex attraction and limit the availability of gender-affirming care and promote alternatives that align with more traditional views of sexual identity. Its emphasis on traditional family values could be interpreted as supporting therapies or interventions aimed at encouraging people to accept heterosexual and cisgender identities. Its discussion of religious liberty might be seen as a way to justify practices that align with traditional or religious views on sexuality and gender.

Explain WOKE POLICIES under Project 2025

Under Project 2025, ‘woke policies’ are broadly framed as a set of progressive social and cultural agendas that the project’s authors argue are undermining traditional values and leading to what they see as the ‘ideological overreach of the federal government.’ These ‘woke’ policies are seen as prioritizing identity politics, social justice, and inclusive practices in ways that conservatives believe create division and disrupt traditional institutions.

In the context of the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), Project 2025's approach to ‘woke policies’ focuses on reducing the federal government's involvement in promoting what it views as ‘divisive or politically correct’ social policies, particularly those related to gender identity, race, and sexuality.

Key Aspects of "Woke Policies" under Project 2025 in HHS:

1. **Opposition to Identity Politics**:

   - Project 2025 critiques what it sees as the prioritization of identity-based policies, including race, gender, and sexual orientation. The project argues that these policies encourage division rather than unity, fostering an environment where people are more focused on their identities than on their individual merits or shared American values.

   - It advocates for policies that **deemphasize identity-based classifications** in health and human services, including programs and regulations that prioritize or emphasize race, gender identity, and sexual orientation.

2. **Gender Ideology and Gender Affirmation**:

   - One of the key areas of concern in Project 2025’s critique of "woke policies" is the recognition of **gender identity** as separate from biological sex. Project 2025 expresses opposition to policies that encourage or normalize **gender-affirming care**, especially for minors. This includes the use of **hormonal treatments** or **gender-affirming surgeries** for children and adolescents.

   - The project advocates for a return to traditional views of gender as binary (male and female) and emphasizes policies that promote **biological sex** as the defining characteristic for healthcare and social services rather than **gender identity**.

3. **Restrictions on Religious Liberty**:

   - "Woke" policies are also seen by Project 2025 as a threat to **religious liberty**, especially when government mandates force faith-based institutions (hospitals, adoption agencies, and social service organizations) to adhere to policies that contradict their beliefs. This includes being forced to adopt inclusive policies for LGBT individuals or providing services like gender-affirming care.

   - Project 2025 supports **expanding religious exemptions**, allowing faith-based organizations to operate according to their moral convictions, even when those convictions conflict with "woke" or progressive policies on issues like LGBTQ rights or abortion.

4. **Opposition to DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) Initiatives**:

   - Project 2025 strongly criticizes **DEI** programs within federal agencies, including those administered by **Health and Human Services**. It views these initiatives as forms of **"social engineering"** that prioritize diversity and equity at the expense of merit and individual freedom.

   - The project advocates for the elimination of DEI mandates and seeks to replace them with policies that focus on **individual merit** rather than group identity. In the realm of HHS, this could translate into a push to end requirements for health and human services providers to implement DEI training, hire based on diversity metrics, or adopt policies that account for race or gender identity in healthcare services.

5. **Restricting Federal Influence in Local and State Policies**:

   - Project 2025 seeks to **reduce federal influence** in areas where it believes "woke" policies have expanded, particularly in areas like **public health** and **education**. This means giving states and local governments more authority to determine their own healthcare, education, and welfare policies without the imposition of federally mandated "woke" standards.

   - For example, it would likely support measures to prevent HHS from enforcing federal regulations that require schools or hospitals to recognize gender identity in medical records or provide transgender care services, arguing that these decisions should be left to individual states or private institutions.

6. **Criticism of Intersectionality**:

   - Project 2025 rejects the concept of **intersectionality**, which is often central to "woke" ideologies. Intersectionality focuses on the overlapping social identities that people hold (e.g., race, gender, sexual orientation, etc.) and how these identities shape their experiences of privilege or oppression. The project argues that this framework leads to **fragmentation** and **identity-based victimhood**, promoting division rather than unity.

7. **Reaffirming Traditional Family Values**:

   - In opposition to progressive social policies, Project 2025 seeks to strengthen **traditional family values**, including the promotion of **heterosexual marriage** and **biological children**. It aims to reduce the influence of policies that promote non-traditional family structures or those that prioritize LGBT rights in adoption, healthcare, or other social services.

   - This could manifest in policies that push back against "woke" agendas that promote **same-sex marriage** or **LGBT adoption rights** under HHS or other federal programs, framing these policies as incompatible with traditional family structures.

Summary:

In Project 2025, ‘woke policies’ are seen as a threat to ‘traditional American values,’ and particularly to the functioning of agencies like Health and Human Services. The project aims to roll back the influence of progressive social policies related to gender identity, race, and LGBTQ rights, seeking to promote a return to traditional norms around gender, family, and social structure. The project critiques ‘identity politics’ and diversity initiatives, advocating for merit-based approaches, religious liberty protections, and the autonomy of states to make decisions on issues like gender-affirming care and LGBT inclusion (ChapGPT).

I’m revising the last sentence ChapGPT gave me here: Project 2025 seeks to promote policies that emphasize division based on identity.

A Zine in the Making

This Zine is a special homage to my former cat Ari.

Tonight at Zine Club I read two people’s zines about their former cats and the cat cafe. It is so very coincidental and perhaps speaks of the special relationship we humans have with our feline friends. I wrote this poem from my former cat’s perspective recently as part of an exercise from Bethany Berry’s workshop about Animal Consciousness at the League of Minnesota Poet’s Fall 2024 Conference. I decided I wanted to turn it into a Zine or a little booklet, since it is a 3-page poem, and have been creating a draft in Canva. The gallery above is my current draft, including pictures of my former cat Ari. I am also creating a draft on my typewriter as that is more my artistic form.

I went through so many changes with Ari! Unmentioned even is coming out as transgender, though I included my pronouns as part of the poem. I often called her my daemon like from Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials series. It was so devasting to be separated from her. This happened at the beginning of Trump’s first term. It is hard not to think of the devasting losses I suffered during his term.

I could not replace Ari. Not only was my situation unsustainable for awhile, but once it was, I did not have the heart to adopt a new cat. No cat could take her place. Now, sometimes I wonder if it would be possible, now that 8 years have passed.

Publish.

Reflection on Research and Composition for Change

You may be wondering what a trans man has to offer on the topic of masculinity. Should we not just be learning this topic? Are we not new to our gender? For many of us, we are unlearning the toxic masculinity with which we were raised or of the culture that surrounds us.

Myself- I never had any questions that I was a good choice for teaching this topic as I have followed several trans influencers for some time who are experts in it: half Korean 1st trans D1 NCAA men’s athlete and Harvard grad Schuyler Bailar @pinkmantaray, trans and nonbinary Asian-American artist Meg Emiko Lee @megemikoart, 1st trans person to complete the Triple Crown and run across the United States Cal Dobbs @calisrunning, and trans demiboy and nonbinary anti-bias educator Skye Tooley @growingwithmxt, for example. What makes them experts in it is their ability to discuss the nuances of masculinity, express the needs of our community, forward women, and champion women’s rights and that of other marginalized communities.

When deciding upon the materials for this course, I sought out the collaboration of Vice President of Equity & Inclusion and Associate Vice President of Equity & Inclusion Trumanue Lindsey, Jr. and Dr. Rassheedah Watts at Minneapolis College and North Hennepin Community College, respectively. My plan was to include either the Black feminist teachings of bell hooks or Angela Y. Davis. Lindsey suggested why not both and that Angela Y. Davis would offer more representation of the Black experience. I talked over my plans for my weekly schedule with Dr. Watts, and she approved of them and showed some interest in possibly getting me to teach a workshop for DEI.

For teaching these readings, I planned three core instructional lectures titled “Stopping Male Violence,” “Masculinity, Sex, Work, and Capitalism,” and “Reintegrating Self” linked to what I called Creative Expression assignments. The creation of these lectures was drawn from the bell hooks book A Will to Change and Angela Y. Davis book Freedom is a Constant Struggle as well as my poetry chapbook Tender One. They were sequenced in a way to help men/nonbinary people/masculine women/masculine-identified people/those who love masculine people identify a problem, some possible causes, and some solutions. One of the solutions offered in the course is “practicing integrity” through creative expressions.

Stopping Male Violence

Two of the issues I wanted to address in my course were patriarchal masculinity and white supremacy. For those raised to embrace patriarchal thinking, violence is seen as a way to power. This violence comes from anger, which is a hiding place for pain and fear, and those who exercise it do not see it as a barrier to love and connection. Much of this rage stems from an isolation from the demand to shut down emotions that starts in childhood. According to bell hooks, isolation is a weapon used by terrorist regimes all over the world to break people’s spirits. While most will not commit violent crimes, we are constantly inundated with messages that support male violence and male domination through unchecked violence.

Through this lens, I analyzed the white-supremacist capitalist targeting of individuals like Trayvon Martin in Florida and Michael Brown in Ferguson, MO, and turned a conceptual idea of terrorism on its head by looking at Angela Y. Davis herself and Assata Shakur as examples of targets of racist state violence. Both these examples received peculiar questions in the classroom as the students were unaware that Angela Y. Davis was once wanted by the FBI, prosecuted, and held in jail before finally being acquitted. Even today we are still seeing the effects of the white supremacist state terror’s broadening of the definition of “terror” in its war on terror as a justification of anti-Muslim racism used as a response against protestors, leading to white mobs, the militarization of local police, and the calling in of the National Guard, even on college and university campuses. It was one of my students who pointed out how easy it is for these white supremacist groups to target young men as recruits because they feel alienated and alone and like they have nowhere that they belong, and these places offer a sort of brotherhood.

To combat this, we must teach boys how to love themselves. For many, violent connection may be the only attainable closeness they experience. The violence done mirrors the violence enacted upon and done to the self. While dehumanized, it is easy to feel justified in dehumanizing others. Feminist transformation of masculinity focuses on a caring and nurturing self able to participate in the community. In bell hooks “Being a Boy,” she argues that “To love boys rightly we must value their inner lives enough to construct worlds, both public and private, where their whole selves can be consistently celebrated and affirmed, where their need to love and be loved can be fulfilled.” These are key components that bell hooks mentions are part of practicing integrity in “Reclaiming Male Integrity”:

·       being able to mourn,

·       to acknowledge one’s own ignorance,

·       speak of fears without shame,

·       knowing when to let go,

·       being flexible,

·       learning how to negotiate,

·       embracing change in thought and action,

·       to critique oneself and change and to hear critique from others,

·       to assume responsibility,

·       affirm,

·       do little acts of mercy,

·       experience joy,

·       and to serve

Masculinity, Sex, Work, and Capitalism

One of the issues that men especially struggle with is contributing less emotional labor to relationships. Men and women alike often prioritize sex or romantic fantasies or work over making time for self-actualization. Self-actualization is where the process of healing takes place and where people learn good relationships with themselves and their bodies. Between societal pressures to be a provider and the demands of a capitalist society, men may not feel like they have the time for self-actualization. Bell hooks even claims that this fear of not being able to provide becomes even more desperate with a family. Oftentimes, it is not until men are forced to break that they get to choose to take time for self-actualization.

Like many men, in my own experience, I got to choose to focus on self-actualization during a period of underemployment. As a part-time community college faculty member, I am not usually assigned courses in the summer and so am left desperately scrambling for a summer job and short on cash. One summer I chose instead to go on a 1-month thru-hiking trip. I was fortunate in these circumstances to be between houses. I spent months preparing my body and slowly gathering my gear and calculating logistics for the trip before the time came to enter the wild with my friend.

Because my friend is mixed race, she asked me to research the area where we would be hiking to make sure it was a safe area for BIPOC to be in. This was not something that had occurred to me before, nor something she really was concerned about either, but her friends brought it up as a concern. Being aware of Duluth’s 1920s history, I took to researching the trail. I first scanned through the users of the SHT Facebook page for BIPOC hikers. It took me awhile to find a person to reach out to for questions; there were a lot of white people. After I asked for comfortability and explained my interest, they shared their experiences. There are a lot of Trump lovers surrounding the trail, and if you get picked up to go into town for a resupply trip or emergency, you might get a sermon. This proved to be true at our first fire on the trail.

A man happened upon us and our fire and got to talking with my friend. It almost immediately turned to the recent trial and conviction of the murderer of George Floyd. He asked her if he was going to come home to his house burned down and if they were going to riot. She told him it was unlikely there would be further protest since justice had been served, though the true justice would be George Floyd still being alive. I sort of just stood there stunned that he would approach a woman of color on the trail, clearly away for the same purpose as him, and address her with this racism – as if he did not know the body is a home and some are lucky enough to walk safely in it. It was a line I thought of later, for a poem.

My own ignorance prevented me from coming to her aid. There is something that has stuck with me that she told me before in a space that white people had clearly taken over where she was experiencing clear racism- that she did not expect a friend to stand up for her, but she did not think it marriage material in a partner. It stung, but I understood, and I think we all want to be marriage material.

Later, I would reflect on our reading Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha on the trail together and finding myself in his story in searching for his purpose in religious texts and spiritual devotion after I graduated to briefly joining the corporate and business world, only to find myself staring in the ageless face of a friend as she formed her truths about nature: that it gives, and it takes.

Reintegrating Self

In teaching Creative Expressions, I drew from my own experiences and hoped the students would learn valuable tools for writing for diverse audiences and adapting language and rhetoric in culturally and respectful ways. As part of the course, this section meant to build comfortability with language and concepts and confidence in writing. Since this course was focused on change, I intended to show them an alternative form of masculinity instead of just a critique of patriarchal masculinity, as bell hooks says we must do.

One of the challenges I found was in developing resources for possible research through the library, especially on trans men and transmasculine people. When searching in the library, I found my results yielding on these – my – demographic to have especially negative connotations or be criticisms of transgender men. One of my students brought up in his own expository essay on masculinity and maleness that he thought that men deal with mental health issues because of this constant criticism and that it was like society had made it like there was something wrong with being a man. Torn between Angela Y. Davis and knowing that it is white supremacy and the patriarchy that are the problem and the reason for men’s mental health issues and finding myself wondering if there was something inherently wrong with being the male identity or masculine or if what my search results were yielding was the result of cisgenderism, I returned to the discussion in “Being a Boy” that boys from a young age are taught that there is something wrong with their bodies, that the penis is only for pleasure or a weapon – that they are not educated, loved for their emotions, or taught how to love. Because as bell hooks says it is important to offer good role models, I ended up having to supply a couple of my own books for the library to put on hold for the semester: Kate Bornstein and S. Bear Bergman’s Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation and Mitch Kellaway and Zander Keig’s Manning Up: Transsexual Men on Finding Brotherhood, Family, and Themselves. These collections of personal essays have very diverse representations of genderqueer people and trans men in a variety of lifestyles. More Black men and women like George Floyd would be alive today if white men were educated on their bodies, on the frailty and divinity of humanity.

My Life as a mustache monkey

League of Minnesota Poets Fall 2024 Conference Recap

I was not sure what to expect. They planned a Cowboy Poetry night as the first event at the start of Native American Heritage month. I was not sure how I could contribute; I do not write ballads and rhyming poetry. Both at odds with the event and wanting to be part of my writing community, I spent the afternoon before event in the evening listening to my recently acquired Sade album Love is Stronger than Pride in my sacred space – the string lights and salt lamp plugged in, Sacred Forest candle lit – and picked through Cormac McCarthy’s All the Pretty Horses, thinking I might be able to find a scene to share to best capture and challenge the ‘Cowboy’ concept.

I chose the scene where John Grady Cole decides to go to Mexico with a friend to try his luck on a ranch there after his father dies and his mother sells the family land out from under him. His friend questions why anyone would leave Texas if born there. Alabama, yes, but Texas? I ended up not being allowed to share this scene because it is fiction, not poetry.

The President Amanda introducing Cowboy Poetry night

At the first event, I found myself a little more at ease when I sat at a table with an intersex model and a person wearing a Kamala button. Members of the League’s board also introduced themselves, and the Cowboy Poetry wasn’t too terrible. Still, I found myself pressed by the need to honor the land upon which we lived: Oceti Sakowin and Anishinaabe territories. I decided to read “Leave No Trace,” which appears published in the Rockvale Review: Issue Eleven, and make a statement about Indigenous land rights and the sovereignty of nature. After I delivered the final line: “Nothing less than divine,” Jana, a board member, pronounced it was her favorite. The intersex model followed with a wonderful statement about how the Spanish and Indigenous peoples were the original cowboys.

The night was ending, and somebody had to get in a statement about misgendering me, even knowing my name is Eugene. Jana quickly corrected them with my “he” pronouns. She did this frequently throughout the conference. Thank you. That is true allyship.

I was one of the first people to the conference the next morning. They had a full day planned for us, beginning with Open Mic. Taking a moment to arrange my books on the Member Books table, I decided I would read “Pronounced Love at the Scene.” This poem has been nominated by my acquiring editor at Finishing Line Press for Best of the Net. Somebody else opened with a morning poem similar to mine, and I felt like it was the perfect selection. Between Open Mic and the President of the League Amanda’s presentation on Lesbian Poetry, we gathered around the Member Books table and bartered. I gave away my Zines as free samples, which I think encouraged people to buy my books after previewing the poems represented in them. My Zines have queer, interracial, and art activism themes. During Amanda’s presentation, I was able to offer Queer Voices MN, specifically LM Brimmer and Sherrie Fernandez-Williams, as representative of the Minneapolis scene for those questioning. Amanda’s presentation was wonderful! She covered history as early as Sappho to discuss late 20th century lesbian poets, performers, and activists, such as Stonewall, Stormé, and those found in Lesbian Concentrate. We then broke for lunch before transitioning into a session in which we got to envision Paradise.

Congrats, everyone!

While I did not end up winning the Agates Award to which I submitted at the Gala or being published in the journal, I made many friends while there like Doug & Becky, Sangita, K, and Bethany. It also was great to get out and support other writers. I am not sure if it was the affectionate way Dennis called me “guy” every time he saw me, or that I think it is important to support Veterans, but I ended up buying his linked short story collection Free Fire Zone. I also traded my chapbook Tender One with Marilyn for a copy of her book Invisible Silken Threads as she told me it was a spiritual book and included Native American myths and friendships. I hope my friendships with Doug, Becky, and Sangita last beyond the exchanges of our books: We Look West and Mamina.

My haul

If anything, the one instance where hotel staff tried to correct me on which bathroom I was entering was worth it for the friendships I made, the poems I heard and got to read, and the resources I acquired. Dennis told me about an email service that keeps you updated biweekly on everywhere that is currently open to submissions called Authors Publish. Sangita told me about an easy tool for creating pamphlets and other craft materials called Canva.

Poems I read:

·       “Leave No Trace”

·       “Pronounced Love at the Scene”

·       “Interruptions”

·       “Bullet Hole”

·       “Kindness Wishes Me to Be Haunted”

Our final day we wrapped up with Bethany Berry’s presentation on Animal Consciousness. Here is a fun little one I crafted during the session:

My Life as a Mustache Monkey – G. Gazelka

I have a long mustache

now! Yay! Swing Swing

Swing

Am I in a Zoo in

a cage? Is that

why they can see

me to respond and

react? Oohing and

aahing at how cute

he is

They peer into my wizened

face as I stroke

my mustache

my little agile body

my big child’s eyes

my squeaky voice

Swing Swing Swing

I am away playing

with friends

I left feeling invigorated to write more poems.

Author photo shoot

Collaborating with Phoebe Fettig Images, G. Gazelka did an intimate photo shoot in their home and neighborhood. From presenting their Smith-Corona and Royal typewriters to their sacred space as written about in “Envision Home Beyond Owning it,” they gave a window into what it is like to be an active creator. Here is the poem for your free enjoyment:

I bought a place on 3rd

for the Arts

It’s a 1-bedroom

my bachelor pad

I have things

but a place is

supposed to be

more than things

and I’m wondering

where my essence lays

where is home

I have not quite felt it yet

I have set up a corner

in my bedroom for

listening to records

and for my Royal typewriter

it is antiquated, broken,

and hard to move

next to my record player

is an antique green chair

above are my favorites

of course, there really is

only room for Grimes

on my wall, and I imagine

this corner will become

a sacred space if I

use it enough, become

familiar with its feng shui

This sacred space is one they reserve for special occasions when writing or for self-soothing. Typically, they write postcards to their closest friends here or listen to whatever record calls to them at the moment. They make a ritual out of it by turning off the room light, plugging in their string lights and salt lamp, and lighting a candle. They have the complete discography by Grimes, Aluna, and Janelle Monáe, among others. When originally sharing this poem to Instagram, they posed this question to their friends and followers: Do you have any sacred spaces you carry with you to make your place feel like home?

This question is especially important for reflection because of the transitional spaces they have been through and their understanding of the transitional spaces that not just the young are in. According to the 2023 Minnesota Homeless Study, 10,522 people experience homelessness on a single night. A majority of these are in the Twin Cities greater metro area with an alarming overrepresentation of Black, Indigenous, and Latinx populations, whereas in greater Minnesota, people often experience precarious living situations of having to double up, moving from place to place, and repeat episodes of homelessness. No matter the situation you are in, it is important to have something that grounds you, something that feels like home.

While they were living through transitional experiences of homes, they were introduced to the possibility of working construction with the Local 49. While they ended up not doing it, they became familiar with the conditions under which these workers live. Often, they work the job and stay in a nearby casino. They are contracted per season, and the less experienced workers are let go earlier in the season. It is a very transitional experience. When they returned to their role as a professor, they learned more about construction through students and friends who are construction workers and became concerned about these conditions and the demographics who often filled these roles as the only positions they were allowed to work.

Still, the sound of construction filled their home and interrupted their remote work and daily writing practice, so they chose to write “Interruptions.” It is a piece that reflects on being interrupted while doing something you enjoy and having to come to the realization that they like you are also worthy of love. Here is the poem for your enjoyment:

Early afternoon

construction

rips through the bedroom

as if it knows

it’s in the throes of pleasure

Dirty, ugly men

as if I will not be

an ugly man

Stained and crooked

teeth,

scar and tattoo

chested,

a little belly dripping

sweat

Frustrated,

I rip the blankets

from the bed,

put my pants

back on,

go to my Surface

to write,

try to imagine

these men

are worthy of love

just as I am

With Phoebe Fettig Images, they chose to create a couple images of themselves in the center of a construction scene in celebration of these workers.

I hope you have enjoyed the poems and gallery of images. These poems are included in G. Gazelka’s poetry collection Bodies in Transition.

Author Panel recap: MLA 2024 Conference

Angela Y. Davis is repeating over and over again that Abolition and its struggle against state-sanctioned violence is inextricable from Feminism and its struggle against gender violence, and I am driving to Rochester and have already spotted 3 State Troopers on my route today. That makes 7 in 2 days—5 of them posted on my usual routes. Davis lists a number of transgender organizations working in collaboration, and I feel included in this struggle. I am welcome in it. It is my struggle, though I am not a woman.

5 minutes left of the “Epilogue” I pull into the Mayo Civic Center Parking Lot.

I use the men’s bathroom, and at first am told there is no lunch for me and where my author exhibit is, but as I am setting up, he brings the salad, chicken, rice, and veggies. Famished, I eat the food. I am approached by Jessi Atherton, then, joined at a table on my right by Sherrie Fernandez-Williams—both authors on my poetry panel. Sherrie purchases a copy of Bodies in Transition.

Jessi is a disabled Iraqi War veteran, mother of three, psychiatric nurse practitioner, and firm believer that anybody can be a poet and write Literature with a capital L. She takes veterans on ekphrastic poetry missions to monuments. Her poetry collection The Time War Takes came out in April 2023 and received an Honorable Mention in Senators Bob and Elizabeth Dole Inaugural Biennial Award for Distinguished Book in Veterans Studies in 2024 and Community of Literary Magazines and Presses must read for Women’s History Month, also in 2024.

Sherrie is a Black, Queer writer with an MFA from Hamline University, a previous Jerome Hill Artist Fellow, and has received numerous awards and grants from the Minnesota State Arts Board, the Loft Literary Center, The Givens Foundation for African American Literature, Intermedia Arts, SASE: The Write Place, and The Playwrights’ Center. She has a book of poems called The Goddess of The Whole Self, a memoir called Soft, and essays in the anthologies We Are Meant to Rise: Voices for Justice from Minneapolis to the World, How Dare We Write: A Multicultural Creative Writing Discourse, and The Poverty and Education Reader. She is both adjunct faculty and co-directs Queer Voices Minnesota.

Honored to be in such a presence, I wait at my exhibit table until our panel, ducking out only briefly to smoke my Peterson pipe.

I would also be honored to be allowed to share some of my favorite poets with this community of librarians at Sara Gliniecki’s behest. Sara is the Interlibrary Loan Specialist at the Kathryn A. Martin Library at the University of Minnesota Duluth. She, along with Kate Sheridan of the University of Minnesota Libraries, invited us to be on the panel. My earliest poetry inspirations came from my grad school introduction to Jazz poets Claude McKay and Langston Hughes, then a friend introduced me to the beatniks Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg. I loved these poets for their rhythm and sound. In 2015-2016, I was very heavy into the Instagram writing community and found inspiration in typewriterpoet and influencer Christopher Poindexter. His well-known work released around then was Naked Human. I have since worked with him and his independent publishing company Jack Wild Publishing, founded with his two brothers.

One of my prize poetry books in my collection is the out-of-print For Me, For You, For Us by Brit-Filipino poet Romlynn Ramos. It is a tale of love, longing, and loss, and the connectedness of the stars. Another out-of-print poetry book that I have found it impossible to get my hands on is Azhar by Afro-Palestinian poet Isra Al-Thibeh. Isra Al-Thibeh is especially meaningful to me as due to her liking one of my poems, “Ecclesiastes,” I learned about the apartheid for the first time.

The fortunate thing about Instagram poets like these is that most of their work is or has been freely available online, including mine. It is a much more community-oriented dream. Our work is accessible; it is collaborative; it is inspired; it is hypermedia. Like Literature with a capital L, you will find allusions to other authors across our works.

Recently, I went to #AWP24 and discovered a new poet Tacey M. Atsitty. She read a piece from a collection she was working on about Indigenous monster myths, and it really spoke to me as a trans man. In it, the speaker could hear a monster crying and wanted to comfort him. After I learned the monsters had actually done quite horrible things, unlike trans men, but the amount of care the speaker felt for a human being stuck with me as a person who has been treated like a monster. The book was not available yet, so I purchased Rain Scald. I am reminded of one of Isra Al-Thibeh’s most famous poems: “Do not cut the unloved parts of yourself. Water them and let them grow.”

Michael Kleber-Diggs shared dozens of Minnesota poets that we should all read, including him. His debut poetry collection Worldly Things was published by Milkweed in 2021, winning the Max Ritvo Poetry Prize. He is part of the Minnesota Prison Writing Workshop and is an adjunct professor as well.

I first learned of Michael from his picture being on the wall for the Meet-the-Author series at North Hennepin Community College, but I really learned of him from his personal essay in A Darker Wilderness: Black Nature Writing from Soil to Stars. Something I made sure to conclude with at the author panel is the importance of sharing BIPOC stories beyond police brutality, deaths, the history of enslavement, including incarceration, as something that the library can do as they consider their collections. A friend of mine shared this to their Instagram just this morning, about how they want to see Black people in nature. Similarly, I shared that it is important for trans people, specifically trans men to be able to find positive stories about themselves.

I shared this because, as I was teaching this summer and curating possible research materials for my courses through the library, I found it nearly impossible to find anything on trans men or trans masculinity that did not describe them as toxic. As I was searching for alternate forms of masculinity to white capitalist patriarchal masculinity, since bell hooks suggests we must offer them, not just critique the patriarchy, these search results were supremely disappointing. I was forced to supply books from my own personal collection: Kate Bornstein and S. Bear Bergman’s Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation and Mitch Kellaway and Zander Keig’s Manning Up: Transsexual Men on Finding Brotherhood, Family, and Themselves.

We need to envision better futures, futures where we are free.

I’m saying queer now

From 2023 to now, according to the Trans Legislation Tracker, there have been 1,276 anti-trans legislative bills introduced into the congresses of various states across the country. Most of the focus has been on trans athletes in sports, but for me, for visiting or possibly living in states as an adult, three that are tracked on Trans Formations Project that were passed this year stuck out in a brief scan as affecting me the most as somebody who has completely transitioned both legally and physically: MS SB2753, ID H0538, and UT HB0257. These bills seek to define sex as genetics, chromosomes, or genitalia at birth and criminalize the use of public facilities not associated with that sex or make a condition of employment that people may not be required to use your name or pronouns. Essentially, these bills make public life not only entirely impossible for transgender individuals socially but have also sought to criminalize it.

I’ve lived and worked in Idaho—that’s where I first realized I was trans—driven twice through Utah. Now I can’t even take a piss there without getting arrested.

These are only a few of the states with legislation like this. Trans Legislation Tracker notes 2021 as the infection point of anti-trans legislation, including Arkansas’ “Save Adolescents from Experimentation (SAFE) Act,” a ban on gender-affirming care which became law despite a veto by the Republican governor at the time. “Don’t Say Gay or Trans” passed the next year in Florida.

But this doesn’t stop at if I go on a road trip. This year both Georgia and Kentucky introduced and passed online censorship bills initially intended at educating minors or protecting minors against sexual assault, which were amended into censorship bills last second to apply to any materials “considered ‘harmful to minors’ if the average person would consider that it appeals to a prurient interest and if it is devoted to or principally consists of descriptions of real, simulated, or animated sexual acts or nudity, and if it lacks literary, artistic, political, or scientific interest to minors. This could be used to apply to queer and trans content,” according to Trans Formations Project. Oftentimes, these types of censorships are applied to things as simple as shirtless T-boys. Additionally, Louisiana is now requiring all publicly funded schools to report “all diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) trainings or activities around race, color, sex, national origin, culture, gender identity, or sexual orientation” to their legislator, and it is unclear as for what purpose, but the bill directs to report on “bathrooms being available in the school” and “excludes any activities ‘directly affiliated’ with Title IX.” Texas “prohibits institutions of higher learning from holding diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) trainings or activities around gender identity, sexual orientation, race, color, or ethnicity, except programming developed by an attorney. It also prohibits institutions of higher learning from maintaining a DEI office or hiring an employee or third party to perform the duties of a DEI office” while Georgia is barring “schools [from] teaching anything divisive about race, sex, religion, or national origin.” It seems apparent that these online censorship bills are linked to this and extend beyond minors and queer and trans content.

With a national landscape like this, one might be wondering what it is like living in a trans refuge state. As early as 2021, Minnesota’s Governor Tim Walz signed an executive order banning conversion therapy. I am extremely grateful. I do not know where I would be without this. Even still in 2017, my parents were telling me “Gay is an addiction” and asking me to move out because I had not “recovered” after I told them I was unchanged about being gay after they coerced me into getting coffee with a renown ‘ex-gay’ (though she does not call herself that) conversion therapist while I was living with them just after I had moved back after having fallen on hard times.

An excerpt from “Everyone Bleeds” from Gene’s poetry collection Bodies in Transition

A poem based on recollections from journal entries, psych notes, and letters and reports about discrimination written at a couple hospitals across the Midwest

In April 2023, Governor Walz would sign another bill that would allow me to transition physically without fear of being committed again. After buying my own condo in June 2022, I ended up getting on testosterone. My parents and brother flipped their shit. I was forced to cut them out again to stop receiving the hate messages. Trying to educate them on trans people’s bodies while I was still learning and help them understand that I was not asking for their views, I was asking for their support—was just eating up too much time, leaving me feeling drained, and I was aware could affect me in a negative way for my mental health if I did not have the determined mindset that I did. I had work to focus on, doctor’s appointments to go to, a house to keep, and a book to write. My sister informed me several times that my parents discussed hospitalization again. They said that some people need to be hospitalized because it keeps families together, stops people from around them from suffering, and keeps the peace, while discussing my ‘mental illness,’ which is code word for me being transgender. I let her know that this time I was prepared with a full team of professionals taking care of my mental and physical health. I was not going to let anything stop me from transitioning into the body I knew was mine.

A poem imagining what it would be like to have all my legal sex documents in order even before I got them in order

For some reason, once I got my second gender-affirming surgery in August 2024, my parents seemed to change their minds a little about showing support. They made meals for recovery and bought aftercare groceries. They started calling me Gene and trying to use my pronouns. There seemed to be some progress, but there also seems to be an unwillingness to accept the previous ways they have harmed me. They are willing to acknowledge that they did them, just not that they were wrong. For example, they see introducing me to a renown ‘ex-gay’ conversion therapist when I first moved back to Minnesota, had nowhere else to go, and was physically unwell as a loving act. They do not see the trick in telling me she was receiving death threats to get me to hear her perspective as wrong. I did not nor do I care what she has to say, nor am I interested. It is a perspective I have heard all my life. I also believe it is harmful to the queer and trans community. It is a perspective that even in the safe environment of gender-affirming therapy that we covered. Unlike her, though, we don’t point to mental illness or drugs as the reason people were gay or trans and de-transitioned; we talk about it as hiding for safety because some people do not get the support they need after transitioning and feel unsafe, and how rare it is that people actually de-transition, but that it needs to be discussed. Additionally, I read in Kate Bornstein and S. Bear Bergman’s Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation that sometimes what looks like de-transitioning is actually just a variation of someone’s gender spectrum because they are genderqueer. The important thing is for trans people to be loved and supported for who they are and how they identify and allowed to explore their own resources in their own community.

That means we must be able to find them in places like Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion.

That means we must be able to find them online—no matter the age—kids are queer and trans, too!

One of Gene’s art pieces

That means we must stop legislating racist, sexist, and transphobic bills based in eugenics like Nazis. Have you checked your Testosterone levels lately? I’m high for a biological male.

Courage, Dear Hearts

Trigger Warning

For many queer people, coming out is not a one-time thing. There is the coming out to friends, the coming out to family, the coming out to coworkers and classmates, the coming out to strangers in the grocery store and the person on the customer service line—the list goes on. Then, there is the coming out again when or if your identity changes.

Rainbow Pride flag

I first came out as “I think I might possibly be a bisexual” in my teens to my parents and shit really hit the fan. I did not really have words for what I was—that was a word I had recently discovered online—and for some reason I thought all those qualifiers might help when they confronted me. They had discovered I had been making out with my best friend through a program called Spector that they had installed on our family computer. It recorded everything, including keystrokes. Instead of telling me it was normal to have a crush on your best friend, that she might eventually see me as the person she had a deep relationship with and stop dating other people, or anything else you might say to a kid, they started screaming and yelling and telling me it was perverse. I eventually escaped to my makeshift bedroom with no doors in the dining room and called her and frantically told her what was going on. She immediately came over with her mom. Her mom tried to calm my parents down by explaining that it was normal for teenagers to experiment, but my parents would not stop yelling, so my best friend took me outside. We kissed and came back inside as her mom was threatening to take me because it did not seem like a safe environment for me. Nothing came of it. The next day my parents told me I was not going to be allowed to be around anyone without strict supervision and sent me to my Christian therapist. Upon hearing the story, my Christian therapist told me there was nothing she could do for me unless I told her I was suicidal and that I had a plan of action to commit suicide and told her that plan for her to write down. I was not suicidal yet and explained this and that I just needed to get away, but when she told me there was nothing she could do to help, I eventually read her a quote from Elizabeth Wurtzel’s Prozac Nation about how she imagined committing suicide in a bathtub. She accepted this and sent me in an ambulance to 72-hour watch where the psychiatrist there theorized that I had anxiety and depression and wanted me to take a trip to see my online friends out East. Unfortunately, as I was handed to mental healthcare instead of a social worker, I was released into the custody of my parents and returned into the same situation. It was then that I tried to kill myself. I took a bottle of pills and vodka and slit my wrists straight up and lay down until I thought my heart stopped beating. When I woke up the next day, I felt like a failure, then sick, then just went about my day and felt really alive. No one found out. It was the last time I tried to kill myself.

Quote by Elizabeth Wurtzel, author of Prozac Nation

Several months later, over Christmas, I would come out again—this time as a lesbian with a girlfriend—and I would be kicked out of the family. My then girlfriend’s family took me in over the holidays, but I had no home to return to as I had been kicked out of my freshman dorms at Bethel University because I had a girlfriend, even though I was still a high school student. Luckily, there was a small, secret LGBT group on campus, and I was able to couch hop or rotate spare rooms between juniors and seniors for the rest of spring semester.

Finding a community can be essential to survival. I held the identity of “lesbian” for over ten years before coming out as trans.

The first label I found for myself as a transgender person was “bigender.” I was alone. I saw an image of a person with a brief description in a NATGEO magazine I selected from a pharmacy rack. It seemed to make sense. Obviously, I was both genders. It was a spiritual thing. I came out online. I updated my pronouns and gender across platforms to reflect this change. When I started coming out in person, I experienced a lot of resistance: unemployment, houselessness, and eventually, after I had stabilized my situation, a civil commitment.

Cover of National Geographic: Special Issue, January 2017

It was not until I was released that I started receiving gender-affirming care and started learning correct terminology from queer community resources. I started my physical and legal transition and came out again as a trans male shortly thereafter, and I am constantly coming out.

Gene on his way to his reading at Quatrefoil Library in his 'pretty boy' dad hat with his book Bodies in Transition in his lap. He is doing the 'lesbian' sign in ASL. Oops. He should be doing the 'father' or 'cigarette' sign. Wait, he is not a dad, and he only smokes cigars and pipe.

You may be curious why I am sharing this very personal information besides the obvious fact that it is National Coming Out Day. For queer and trans people who do not have a good support system, coming out or being discovered can be very dangerous. We put our homes, our livelihoods, our freedom, and our lives at risk. While I think it is worth it and would not change being able to live genuinely and authentically as myself, I encourage you to consider whatever is best for you, your safety, and your situation, and if your choice is to hide: know there is no shame in it, and if you are discovered, know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m proud of you.

Queer Coded Covers

It’s the 1950s and you walk into a gas station or pharmacy and nose through their paperbacks, and you are looking for something in particular. You are looking for those scantily clad ladies in erotic positions on covers. You are looking for queer coded covers.

I remember the first queer coded covers I read in text: Ann Bannon’s 1950s Odd Girl Out and I Am a Woman from the Beebo Brinker Chronicles. I was a college student in Florida and a professor recommended them to me as pulp classics. In my life growing up, I had not really had access to queer literature nor a wealth of knowledge about it. These texts delivered a complicated and nuanced picture of queer identities and relationships.

To think that we might go back to the 1950s under Project 2025 and have to code queer texts by their covers—worse, that in states like Florida they are already being likened to pornography and banned and removed from libraries. Could it really be possible that educators and librarians who practice inclusivity become registered as sex offenders? It sounds dystopic.

I think of my own books—one with its queer subtext, the other very clearly dealing with transition and identity—and reflect upon the very nature of seeking a publisher for the latter, even after receiving a mention in the John Rezmerski Memorial Manuscript Competition. Due to it being an election year and the over 1200 anti-trans bills introduced between 2023-2024 so far, I could not wait for a publisher to decide now was the time for my book Bodies in Transition. Now was the time for the fierce urgency of the now, as Dr. King once said.

I (still) struggled with publishing through Amazon KDP due to the hierarchies in academia but reminded myself that self-publishing has often been the outlet for the marginalized—a place to foster more radical work.

I am a transsexual

I am a transsexual. It’s kind of an outdated word, and really only a word that should be used by a transsexual person, but it is what I am now. A transsexual is a person who undergoes a physical transition and now receives medical recognition of a change in sex. I also receive legal recognition of my change in sex. Very soon, I will have my sex assigned at birth amended.

Aug. 6th - I made it through surgery!

There is no way I could have imagined this as possible in my teens and early twenties. I was not equipped with the language, let alone representation of my experience with an upbringing in rural, white America. There were only 60something out gay people in my town. In my twenties, I saw trans people as part of another people and culture, as something foreign to me, though came to understand that queer people in these cultures often have a very special role in their communities and families as extra caretakers, providers, and wise people on spiritual paths.

In my brother’s attic while out West, just before I truly learned what it means to be transgender, I learned one great spiritual truth about God and some great spiritual truths about myself while meditating: I am bold, like many truth seekers that have come before me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God is a Creator and laughs that we have named Her. There is power in naming, and God is limitless. These truths have guided my journey.

Rumi once said that masculinity does not necessarily come from maleness. Similarly, I would argue, femininity or feminine energy does not necessarily come from being female. These exist outside the binary construction of the sexes.

For me, like many (trans) men, physically transitioning has opened more options for fluidity in gender expression without the automatic assumption that I am female because I am wearing a kilt or eyeliner.

A couple of years ago I asked my mom for some eye makeup because when I was socialized as female I learned the art of eye makeup very well, and I wanted to figure out how to incorporate it into my style. She seemed very pleased. We also shopped in the men’s section during that visit. It was a time of exploration of gender expression for me. I did not continue with the eye makeup beyond briefly putting it on, and I wonder if I was held back by constantly being bullied by people I dated telling me what men do and do not do—despite seeing other trans people wear eye makeup, despite knowing boys can wear eye makeup, too.

Bell hooks discusses in The Will to Change how men and young boys are often socialized out of their alternate masculinities by their sexist peers. I hope this does not continue to be the case. Likewise, I do not want to be forced into femininity.

My friend Colorful is good at encouraging me to be exactly the type of man I am when I talk about bulking up: the sensitive, skinny writer type. Recovering from chest reconstruction with her and her spouse was absolutely wonderful as I felt constantly encouraged in my manhood.

Colorful came with me to the surgery itself. During my first days of recovery, she sat at my bedside and read to me essays from Manning Up: Transsexual Men on Finding Brotherhood, Family and Themselves until I was well enough to read on my own. She cooked deliciously healthy meals for me, emptied my drains, and changed my wraps. Her partner often accompanied me outside for my cigar breaks. Still, they kept me company when I was well enough to pour a glass of water from a Brita pitcher and were quick to leap from working if any action caused pangs in my chest. By the time the estimated two weeks of recovery time for my no-nipple surgery was up, I had finished reading the Afrofuturistic graphic novel The Eightfold Path by Steven Barnes and Dr. Charles Johnson, finished prepping to start working the fall semester, and we were planning another thru-hike.

One of the first times I got to see what my chest looked like

I actually had a surprisingly large amount of support during recovery. Everyone I asked to do something did, even my parents. Initially, my parents had been resistant to help because they are still struggling with the change, but my mom made two large batch meals for my recovery from surgery. I felt really cared for.

My mom's homemade chicken noodle soup

Reconnecting with my parents just before surgery was hard because I have been hurt by them repetitively questioning my sanity and spirituality, deadnaming, and misgendering me, but I wanted to give them a chance to see me just in case anything went wrong. I hoped they would want to do so as well. Because Odd Mart invited me to join the Lynn Lake Street Muralists this year and stencil up a line from my collection, I asked my mom if I could come practice on a canvas with her. We had a blast.

Practicing my spray paint in my mom's yard

Currently, on my path for gender liberation and euphoria, I am reading Janelle Monáe's The Memory Librarian and other stories and using beard oil and a beard roller to try to grow my beard in. I spend about an hour shirtless every morning with my coffee, and in a couple of weeks, I will no longer have to wrap. Can’t wait for this new chapter!

On The Trail: Hiking Adventures with Colorful

In June 2021, I embarked on an unforgettable journey along the Superior Hiking Trail with my good friend, Colorful. The trail, known for its breathtaking views and challenging terrain, offered us a chance to connect with nature and each other in profound ways. As "The Vest," my trail name, I embraced the adventure, while Colorful brought her vibrant energy to every step of the journey.

Here are some snapshots from our hike:

Each photo captures a moment of our trek, from the challenging climbs to the serene breaks. Hiking the Superior Hiking Trail was more than just a physical journey; it was a chance to reflect, connect, and grow.

Walking through the lush forests and along the rugged cliffs, I felt a deep sense of peace and belonging.

Nature has a way of teaching us about resilience and the beauty of the journey, no matter how tough it gets. These hikes are a reminder that every challenge faced and overcome is a step towards discovering more about ourselves and the world around us.

Introducing Gene Gazelka

Phoebe Fettig Images

In the world of academia, educators often play a pivotal role in shaping the future of their students. One such remarkable individual is Gene Gazelka, who not only serves as a dedicated teacher at North Hennepin Community College in Minnesota but is also making waves in the literary world as an emerging poet. They are set to release their debut chapbook titled Tender One through Finishing Line Press in June 2024.

Gene's journey as an educator and poet is a testament to their unwavering commitment to both their students and their craft. Their passion for teaching shines through in their role at North Hennepin Community College, where they work tirelessly to inspire and uplift their students.

While their role as an educator is undoubtedly significant, Gene has also found their creative voice in the world of poetry. Their debut chapbook, Tender One, is a testament to their talent and the depth of their literary expression.

Gene Gazelka's debut chapbook, Tender One, is highly anticipated by poetry enthusiasts and promises to be a collection that leaves a lasting impact. With a release date set for June 2024, this chapbook is likely to showcase Gene's unique perspective and lyrical prowess.

Gene's writing journey is marked by dedication and a distinct approach. They often begin their creative process in the early hours, at 4 a.m., armed with coffee and a cigarillo, allowing their thoughts to flow onto the page. Their poems are born from this introspective and sometimes solitary early morning ritual, fueled by music and the quietude of the pre-dawn hours.

Their writing process also involves a deep connection to authenticity. Gene prefers to write about things that resonate with their own experiences and emotions, creating a genuine and heartfelt connection with their readers.

As a writer, Gene Gazelka draws inspiration from a wide array of literary influences. From the raw and poignant style of Hemingway to the free-spirited narratives of Kerouac and the empowering prose of Audre Lorde, their eclectic taste in literature has contributed to their own unique voice as a poet.

Juggling the demands of a teaching career and a burgeoning writing career can be a challenge. As a professor, Gene acknowledges that writing often takes a backseat during the academic year. However, they make the most of their summers, dedicating themselves to the craft, and writing almost every day.

When not immersed in the world of literature and teaching, Gene finds solace and joy in various hobbies. Listening to records, hiking, backpacking, and enjoying cigars are some of their favorite pastimes, providing a well-rounded balance to their life.

For aspiring writers, Gene offers a simple yet profound piece of advice: "Just write." This succinct guidance reflects their dedication to the craft and their belief in the transformative power of putting pen to paper.

As we eagerly await the release of Tender One, Gene Gazelka's debut chapbook, we can't help but admire their passion for teaching and writing. Their journey is a testament to the idea that creativity knows no bounds, and their unique voice promises to resonate with readers and students alike. Gene's dedication to both education and poetry embodies the spirit of a true artist and educator, making them a name to watch in the literary world.

You can find Gene on Instagram as @with_a_gg_

My Story: A journey to self - embracing identity and truth

I didn’t have a lot of trans friends or exposure to trans people – I know that’s a common myth. I didn’t even have the language for my experience until January 2017 when I discovered a National Geographic Special Issue on the Gender Revolution. Before then, I had reported my gender and race as “Other” or preferred not to answer to academic institutions – perhaps subconsciously aligning myself with the other-gendered people I had read about in my ex-wife’s cultural anthropology studies. I still don’t really know my trans elders.

It was discovered I was queer in my teens, and I was sent to an anti-LGBT clinic for mental health issues. By 18, as a senior in high school, when I still had not changed, my parents kicked me out of the family. They posed it as a choice between the woman I loved and my family home. Being queer is not a choice; who you love is not a choice.

We eloped, and I moved to Florida. We were young, and there were a lot of pressures in the relationship. One of the primary issues was that she wanted me to bear a child and that just was not something that was physically possible for me at the time, nor something I wanted. Our relationship ended, and she happily married someone else and bore her own children.

I ended up pursuing my dream to be a writer. One of the pieces of advice that I got to becoming a good writer is that you need to live first; you need to travel; you need to get your heart broken. It took 5 more years for me to truly get my heart broken.

She was somebody I hardly knew. Whether it was wrong place wrong time or that I had expectations I shouldn’t have, I felt a great loss. She had really been there for me through some personal trauma.

One of the first times I presented as transmasc, I used a sock for a package and a camisole folded over my chest.

In February 2018, I took one of my first steps towards embracing my true identity. It was a tentative but empowering moment, using whatever I had to feel more aligned with myself. The simplicity of a sock and a camisole marked the beginning of a profound journey.

I developed an interest in rediscovering my purpose. I wanted to be a better role model or live up to the expectations society had for me, but I also could not seem to shake my rebel instincts. In my classrooms in Tennessee, I went from teaching a course for research on the pop culture myths of James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, and Mae West to the myth of the American Dream, focusing on Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, Josephine Baker, and Mae West.

I started applying makeup in private to my facial hair to see if I would look good with a goatee.

By December 2018, I was experimenting with my appearance, imagining what I might look like with facial hair. It was a private exploration, applying makeup to create a goatee, and envisioning the person I was becoming.

In trying to rediscover my purpose, I started really identifying with male characters in biblical stories like when Jacob wrestles with an angel for a blessing and ends up with a limp and a new name, or when David flees Saul, or the love he shares with Jonathan, or his love of Bathsheba. In reading the New Testament then as an adult, it was the first time I understood my spirit is male. I saw similarities in the Creation story in the Quran that God created us like them in their image when they said, “Let us.” I started trying to transcend my animal nature as depicted in the Bhagavad Gita through meditation and become more divine.

This, too, in a way, was grief.

November 22, 2022 - Day 1 of being on testosterone.

November 22, 2022, was a pivotal day – the start of hormone therapy. This was the beginning of a new chapter, filled with hope and anticipation for the changes to come.

I did not know it yet, but this was one of many “first” goodbyes to my childhood innocence. I was becoming a man.

An author headshot in my sports coat at Spyhouse Coffee Roasters by Phoebe Fettig Images

As I navigated my transition, my identity as a writer and advocate also flourished. This headshot, taken at Spyhouse Coffee Roasters, captures a moment of professional pride and personal authenticity.

I started experiencing an escalation in systemic oppression from everything from receiving a non-renewal lease after coming out as queer to my landlord in Tennessee to being fired for “workplace violence” and being “unprofessional” from two different jobs as a temp after asking about bathrooms and enforcing the use of my gender pronouns in Minnesota. After giving an interview with Star Tribune reporters about the conversion therapy I had received as a teen, I was put in 72-hour watch by my sister-in-law and shipped out to Red River, ND, where a psychiatrist persisted in claiming being trans is a mental illness and filed to have me civilly committed. It would be 3 months before I would be released to residential care in St. Paul, Minnesota where they would confirm that as a trans person it was more likely that I was experiencing discrimination.

First days of recovering from a laparoscopic hysterectomy wearing a MegEmikoArt Gender-affirming Healthcare Saves Life sweatshirt.

The journey included significant medical milestones, like my laparoscopic hysterectomy in December 2023. Recovery was a time of reflection and resilience, captured here in a sweatshirt that speaks to the importance of gender-affirming healthcare.

By November 2022, I got on testosterone and started receiving gender-affirming care. Around this time, I also started to focus on putting together my poetry manuscripts for publication. By the end of 2023, I had received an Honorable Mention in the John Rezmerski Memorial Manuscript Competition and Tender One was scheduled to be published.

Wearing Bookstagramrepresent apparel "Read Trans Books."

Advocacy took many forms, including supporting trans authors and promoting visibility through platforms like Bookstagram. This apparel became a statement of solidarity and encouragement for others to read trans books.

One of my poems overlaid over a James Dean photo, one of the pop culture icons I identified with in my early twenties.

In my early twenties, I found inspiration in pop culture icons like James Dean. This photo, overlaid with one of my poems, symbolizes the blend of my literary aspirations and personal journey.

This is being written in advance of August 2024, but -hopefully- by now, I have successfully received 2 gender-affirming surgeries and finished my legal transition.

Cheers, queers.