My Story: A journey to self - embracing identity and truth

I didn’t have a lot of trans friends or exposure to trans people – I know that’s a common myth. I didn’t even have the language for my experience until January 2017 when I discovered a National Geographic Special Issue on the Gender Revolution. Before then, I had reported my gender and race as “Other” or preferred not to answer to academic institutions – perhaps subconsciously aligning myself with the other-gendered people I had read about in my ex-wife’s cultural anthropology studies. I still don’t really know my trans elders.

It was discovered I was queer in my teens, and I was sent to an anti-LGBT clinic for mental health issues. By 18, as a senior in high school, when I still had not changed, my parents kicked me out of the family. They posed it as a choice between the woman I loved and my family home. Being queer is not a choice; who you love is not a choice.

We eloped, and I moved to Florida. We were young, and there were a lot of pressures in the relationship. One of the primary issues was that she wanted me to bear a child and that just was not something that was physically possible for me at the time, nor something I wanted. Our relationship ended, and she happily married someone else and bore her own children.

I ended up pursuing my dream to be a writer. One of the pieces of advice that I got to becoming a good writer is that you need to live first; you need to travel; you need to get your heart broken. It took 5 more years for me to truly get my heart broken.

She was somebody I hardly knew. Whether it was wrong place wrong time or that I had expectations I shouldn’t have, I felt a great loss. She had really been there for me through some personal trauma.

One of the first times I presented as transmasc, I used a sock for a package and a camisole folded over my chest.

In February 2018, I took one of my first steps towards embracing my true identity. It was a tentative but empowering moment, using whatever I had to feel more aligned with myself. The simplicity of a sock and a camisole marked the beginning of a profound journey.

I developed an interest in rediscovering my purpose. I wanted to be a better role model or live up to the expectations society had for me, but I also could not seem to shake my rebel instincts. In my classrooms in Tennessee, I went from teaching a course for research on the pop culture myths of James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, and Mae West to the myth of the American Dream, focusing on Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, Josephine Baker, and Mae West.

I started applying makeup in private to my facial hair to see if I would look good with a goatee.

By December 2018, I was experimenting with my appearance, imagining what I might look like with facial hair. It was a private exploration, applying makeup to create a goatee, and envisioning the person I was becoming.

In trying to rediscover my purpose, I started really identifying with male characters in biblical stories like when Jacob wrestles with an angel for a blessing and ends up with a limp and a new name, or when David flees Saul, or the love he shares with Jonathan, or his love of Bathsheba. In reading the New Testament then as an adult, it was the first time I understood my spirit is male. I saw similarities in the Creation story in the Quran that God created us like them in their image when they said, “Let us.” I started trying to transcend my animal nature as depicted in the Bhagavad Gita through meditation and become more divine.

This, too, in a way, was grief.

November 22, 2022 - Day 1 of being on testosterone.

November 22, 2022, was a pivotal day – the start of hormone therapy. This was the beginning of a new chapter, filled with hope and anticipation for the changes to come.

I did not know it yet, but this was one of many “first” goodbyes to my childhood innocence. I was becoming a man.

An author headshot in my sports coat at Spyhouse Coffee Roasters by Phoebe Fettig Images

As I navigated my transition, my identity as a writer and advocate also flourished. This headshot, taken at Spyhouse Coffee Roasters, captures a moment of professional pride and personal authenticity.

I started experiencing an escalation in systemic oppression from everything from receiving a non-renewal lease after coming out as queer to my landlord in Tennessee to being fired for “workplace violence” and being “unprofessional” from two different jobs as a temp after asking about bathrooms and enforcing the use of my gender pronouns in Minnesota. After giving an interview with Star Tribune reporters about the conversion therapy I had received as a teen, I was put in 72-hour watch by my sister-in-law and shipped out to Red River, ND, where a psychiatrist persisted in claiming being trans is a mental illness and filed to have me civilly committed. It would be 3 months before I would be released to residential care in St. Paul, Minnesota where they would confirm that as a trans person it was more likely that I was experiencing discrimination.

First days of recovering from a laparoscopic hysterectomy wearing a MegEmikoArt Gender-affirming Healthcare Saves Life sweatshirt.

The journey included significant medical milestones, like my laparoscopic hysterectomy in December 2023. Recovery was a time of reflection and resilience, captured here in a sweatshirt that speaks to the importance of gender-affirming healthcare.

By November 2022, I got on testosterone and started receiving gender-affirming care. Around this time, I also started to focus on putting together my poetry manuscripts for publication. By the end of 2023, I had received an Honorable Mention in the John Rezmerski Memorial Manuscript Competition and Tender One was scheduled to be published.

Wearing Bookstagramrepresent apparel "Read Trans Books."

Advocacy took many forms, including supporting trans authors and promoting visibility through platforms like Bookstagram. This apparel became a statement of solidarity and encouragement for others to read trans books.

One of my poems overlaid over a James Dean photo, one of the pop culture icons I identified with in my early twenties.

In my early twenties, I found inspiration in pop culture icons like James Dean. This photo, overlaid with one of my poems, symbolizes the blend of my literary aspirations and personal journey.

This is being written in advance of August 2024, but -hopefully- by now, I have successfully received 2 gender-affirming surgeries and finished my legal transition.

Cheers, queers.